I feel lonely .....

I want to talk about loneliness, well actually I don’t because it’s bloody hard.

How often do you hear someone say I feel alone? Or I’m really lonely right now can you be with me? Literally never. What are we so afraid of when it comes to sharing this emotion? I would find it easier to say I’m scared, angry, frustrated, excited, nervous – even guilty or shameful about something than I would to say I feel lonely. Why?

Loneliness and isolation are probably one of the biggest factors in what led me down a path of over drinking. I felt I had nothing, no-one, not a single person in the world who genuinely cared about my well-being. That probably isn’t true, but it’s how it can feel sometimes.

I would drift through the days putting on this guarded front – I was the life and soul of the party, I was a hard worker, I was promoted, had great holidays and yet every day it felt like I would wake up wherever I was and put on my emotional spanx to hold everything in and to keep me all together. I would avoid certain topics of conversation or certain meetings with people because I knew that might skim too close to something and something might spill over the top. It’s this that I see in others now, I see the responses that are a little clipped and the need to move quickly from topic to topic because dwelling might spell danger. I see the inability to maintain eye contact, gosh I remember that so well, don’t look too long at anyone and don’t let anyone hug you for more than about 5 seconds because any longer and the spanx would explode off my body and I’d be a pile of tears, rage and sadness on the floor.

At the end of the day I’d get home peel myself out of the emotional spanx, glug as much wine as I could as quickly as I could and let it all out….I’d watch films that I knew would make me cry so I could process something although I had no idea what because it was all so buried under a wine haze.

And the whole time I felt two very unbelievable things at the same time – how amazing am I that no-one knows? Not a single person suspects either how bad my drinking is, or what a complete and utter fucking wreck I am. So if felt awesome and powerful and then as the spanx slid down off my body and the wine sunk into its place I felt myself slipping into whirlwind of shame about what a fraud I was and even harsher isolation because HOW COULD NO-ONE KNOW!!!! I would know, I would know if someone close to me was in that much pain, SURELY, I would know. And yet we don’t right – for a thousand reasons, or we do and that person chooses not to let us in because I know when I was there – in my lovely flat with my handbags, sick in my hair and one night stands, if anyone had even tried to sidle up to my pain with care and love I would have shoved them into the abyss with the rest of my pain.

So how can we fix this right? It’s endemic in our society – from teenagers to single parents, to those looking for love and the elderly – we ALL feel lonely at points in our life. The research on the impact of this emotion on our physical and mental wellbeing is ASTOUNDING. I know firsthand when I was lonely and drinking I was routinely in anti-biotics for one things on another and since I gave up over 8 years ago I’ve not had a single round since. The power of this emotion is overwhelming us in so many ways.

It’s too hard to say right so maybe we need code words? Maybe we need to know what the signs are of someone who is lonely? And what can we REALLY do to help?

Brene Brown tells us to just share the feeling with the person – use the “Me Too” idea and say I know how that feels, and if you do, then I suspect that might be quite powerful and yet I’m still struggling to know how to really help those who are isolated from meaningful connection in their lives. Group activities – bleurgh, I hated that sort of thing. Pairing them up based on interest or something – maybe.

Or maybe we teach people how to sit with the feeling of isolation in a better way, there is no shame in being lonely and maybe if we remove all that negative connotations around it then not only would people feel more likely to share but they also wouldn’t feel like some sort of social pariah because they had done so.

I still get lonely now, and things happen that make me feel isolated from colleagues, family and even my partner….and I will be honest there are times it takes me days to realise why I’m feeling so emotional about something until the penny drops and I realise it was a lonely feeling. I’ve been lonely most of my life – I have two much older brothers who didn’t want to play with me, I lived in a great house with a huge garden but not many visitors, my parents worked hard and so I’ve spent a lot of time feeling alone and outside of the gang. I created a strong unit for myself in school as many of us do, and yet soon found the group dynamic quite suffocating. So now when I feel isolated what do I do ….I don’t drink that’s for one so that’s a tick in the right box. I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have done on my own and the sense of confidence and accomplishment I can get from those achievements. I have travelled the world on my own, been to the top of the tallest buildings on my own, been to the cinema on my own – eaten a curry so hot that I was crying, on my own, read a book and laughed out loud on my own. I have enjoyed many moments of isolation. And I can enjoy being alone now if I view it as an opportunity. Sometimes though it’s not a positive experience and for those I simply try my best to get through without lashing out or causing myself any more damage.

So I’d like to charge anyone reading this who has experienced loneliness to be on the look out for it? Now more than ever right. And tell whoever it is that it’s okay, it’s normal, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it will pass. Maybe we can all start sharing more about our feelings of connection to the world to make it feel more normal to hear the words….start breaking down the stigma around it so that people feel safe to share.

And if you are feeling lonely yourself know this I am with you and I know what that feels like, I know the pain that eats away at you day in and day out and you are strong, brave and courageous making it through every day – please just carry on I promise it will change.