Victory ....

It did not dawn on me until a conversation with a friend that many of my blogs have been backwards looking which is bizarre as I am a fairly forward-looking person. In terms of my journey with drinking I think some of the reason I have never written about the U-turn, the critical point at which my life changed for the better is because of the fear I mentioned before – I feel I need to remain a little afraid of that aspect of myself in order to stay on this new, amazing journey. If I become complacent about what it was like to be that alone and the effect that had on me it might only be days before I’m back at the corner shop buying the on off booze. I feel, and I know many don’t, that I need to hold on to a little bit of the shame like a little scab that I need to keep picking because if I allow myself to fully heal then I’m not sure what that might look like. As with so much of my writing it is in the writing that I have also learned a great deal about myself – for example that I am still carrying around this fresh wound and I know I don’t need too – I have more work to do.

I am almost 8 years sober, I don’t identify as an alcoholic but that is what I am. I can legitimately dress this up and call myself a High Functioning Alcoholic which comes with the added bonus of feeling like I got a gold star for being a drunk, (I do SO like to overachieve) when in reality what it means is I never crashed out. I did not, like so so many do, hit rock bottom. I did not lose my house, my job. I lost a few teeth from a fall one night out but that was repairable. It also means this – no-one knew and it was, an is, therefore hard for people to see that in me.

Now I do not drink at all – I avoid food with uncooked alcohol in, I loosely avoid bars and certainly night clubs but I’m happy enough in a pub or restaurant. We don’t have alcohol in the house unless we have visitors who we know cannot do without it also known as my side of the family.

We joined my journey just at the peak of my descent. I was alone, truly, I had some people that would care if I was sad maybe via a text or email but not enough to actually try and help change the course of my well-being, not even my family. To be truly honest they all also had a lot going on, every single one; weddings, babies, new jobs, house moves -their lives were progressing where mine had stagnated.

And then I suppose the biggest thing that happened was my husband. I had a friend, a very close friend, we had been friends for years and his marriage had broken down. Over the following few years we sort of had an attempt at a relationship – with a lot of travel, secrecy on my part, and struggle on his with work and caring for his small son.

I was still drinking heavily during this time, I suspect he knew, I have never asked because it doesn’t matter. I’d wait for him and his son to leave knowing I’d follow them out the door to get wine and smokes – the fear I would feel in case they returned was crazy. I did not enjoy being that way but there was an element of duplicity in all my relationships by this point so it really didn’t feel at all odd. By chance, or most likely not actually, he doesn’t drink a lot. He was not an enabler in that sense and I think that made a big impact. His family stories were different than mine, the teenage stories didn’t mirror my own – he had this sense of knowing when enough was enough to this day that I admire.

Following a family holiday to celebrate my Dad’s birthday which largely involved a great deal of disappointment, watching my family and the destructive force it had on us all was tough. I returned home to find I had been burgled and much of my mother’s jewellery had been stolen.

My boyfriend despite being many miles away made me a priority in a way I had not experienced. He actually cared and not about the stuff that had gone but about me. He came back part way through a tour and I said those three small but immense words; “I need help”. And so my journey began…

He said okay let’s go to the Dr. It was as simple as that which makes me feel so overcome even today because I do not know where I would be had he not helped me. The GP appointment was hilarious, I just cried and because the GP asked I told her everything – I told her how much I was drinking, how often and how I couldn’t stop. She essentially made me a bet – a very clever and astute tactic for a woman who had never met me before. I remember her words like I’m hearing them today: “Stay sober. Come back in 2 weeks and tell me you can do that or I will refer you to the current NHS alcohol help programme and believe me you don’t want me to do that for you.”

Someone had set me a challenge, told me I COULD do better, and have the foresight to know how important it would be for me to do it myself. But she also gave me more – she believed I could do it, on a day, in a life where I felt the only option was to literally drown myself in wine, she believed I could do better. Like my Mum would have and like my boyfriend believed and hoped I could. I never thought of it like that until writing today but that GP who did not know me believed in me what an incredible kindness.

So I tried.

And failed. I drank, once, when my boyfriend left to go back on tour. But I had hope …so I tried again….

I got counselling and I had my first two sessions. And when I went back 2 weeks later, I told her I could manage this and again she trusted me. She made me come back to see her 3 more times to check and that accountability was superb. Can’t even remember her name though – it’s funny how people can come in and out of your life and have such a significant impact. I am so grateful for what she gave me, just a chance, a small window of light in an otherwise dark and sad place – a small piece of light to let me know there could be hope.

Okay so there is a lot I could focus on as part of becoming sober and I realise I have already taken an age to get to this point. Let me focus on what I think are the short, medium and long term impacts of my decision every single day to not drink.

Short Term

Bloody hell it was amazing. I slept better than I had in years. I had energy levels that were off the charts and I remembered that I was funny, clever and could take part in life. I felt like I did when I was 19 totally full of potential and almost euphoric. I remember those weeks vividly because when I am feeling low now I remember those first few months of potential and how I still have that within me every day I make the decision not to drink. I did not even know the haze that was surrounding my life, and it is a haze, a fog which surrounds every experience but which you have become so accustomed too that you don’t even know it is there. It’s almost like a slight disconnect, almost like you are watching your life on TV. People will talk about things that happened the day or weekend before and you sort of remember but not really because in between times you have been wasted for 48 hours, or were wasted at the time, or trying to hide being hungover. It was all very up and down being drunk, all very dramatic and that drama sustained me for so long as there were highs and lows but somehow, I was not really in any of it. I was on the side-lines, covered in wine and ash, watching my life stagnate.

All of a sudden I was in the game again, really taking part and although I felt I had loads of ground to make up it was all a delight because I was breathing for the first time in years. I was closing my eyes and breathing life in again and it was awesome.

It was not like falling in love, it was more like waking up and remembering who I was all this time. I remember thinking and beginning to feel and interact with the world in a way that felt connected and real. Like baking bread I was having my second prove.

I know not everyone has this experience and I am aware that for many the first few weeks and months are very difficult and some of the worst as part of their recovery. I can only imagine how hard it must be to continue on without this feeling and the bravery and courage of those people is simply incredible. Had I suffered as so many do when they make that first brave decision, had my drinking created a physical dependency from which I needed to recover I may never have been so lucky.

Medium Term

A lot of crying. And I mean a lot of crying and not just sadness crying but happy crying, hungry crying, sad crying, frustrated crying. The therapy I undertook had two key elements; processing everything I had failed to process from the previous decade and importantly learning how to process emotions at all without alcohol. I remember just days of crying, I had to book the days following therapy off work sometimes and was fortunate to have a very understanding manager and employer. Sitting in the therapist chair exploring the events of the day, the interactions with my family and friends and how I really felt about them – not how I thought I felt about them with all my years of defences but what did my heart say about those events was, and IS to this day hard swork. I told her once I felt like I would be sick on myself – like my emotions would overpower me and just spill out of my mouth. She helped me find the answers in myself and helped remind me of the person I was at 19 because none of that potential had actually disappeared - I was still a young, strong, rebellious and ambitious individual and now I needed to know how to harness all that alongside all the emotions that daily life brings along. She also told me that no matter how big our emotions feel in our body we cannot sustain that level, she described it like a wave cresting before it hits the shore and then dissipates out – that image sticks with me today. I might get nervous before a work presentation, or angry with a situation at home, and I know that as powerful as that emotion is it will pass.

This knowledge enables me to do 2 very specific things; listen and wait. I do not enjoy having those intense emotions unless they are intensely happy ones and I now always know that the levels will dial down. I will not always feels as enraged about an injustice, or as left out of a conversation or lunch invite, life will continue and other emotions will replace those ones. There are times when the intensity takes its time to dial back down and that is when I know I need to act, but not react. The therapist I had taught me how to listen to my emotion, my real emotions, and how to use them to navigate life. It’s okay to say I’m scared, or I don’t think you are hearing me, or you are hurting me. And it is so important that I also now in putting those words out into the world the response is largely irrelevant because what I have done and shown myself is that my feelings are important and of value. So I listen – I take time to really connect with the emotion and believe me even now they hide. I will bristle at something my husband says or does and it will sometimes take hours or days to work out what was really going on because we are very clever at hiding our own truth. Once I have it though the solution is normally super simple because the hard part is over, usually a conversation or a reality check and I am able to move on.

Long Term

Every day I make the same decision to not drink. Every single day.

Every day I make the same breath-taking choice to exist in my life, to “be the leading lady in my own blockbuster” and every day I know I am giving it my all.

Every day I choose to not drink is a day during which I feel good about myself because I know I have taken myself back and given myself the very best chance at a happy and successful life.

There are struggles. When my son was little and I was in a very toxic work environment, there were times when I thought about it, there will always be times that I think about drinking.

I remember walking past a pub and my step slowed a little, I remember thinking I could just go in there and ask them to line up the shots. How amazing would that be? 5 sips and I could be away from all the thoughts and stress in my head.

Sitting on my son’s floor after a really bad week at work, husband was away, and again I remember thinking I’ll just run up the shop get a bottle smash the top off and just pour it in my face.

I am only human and you need only enter any card or gift store to see how heavily our culture rams drinking down our throats as totally socially acceptable and so of course there are times I think about it. There are times I wish I could drink socially to avoid it being awkward. As much as I carry no judgement with me about the choices of others they perceive my decision not to drink as some judgement and so I am still often excluded from celebrations.

Why don’t I drink in those moments? What secret power do I draw on …..I open my eyes, I breathe, and I look at everything that I have around my in my life and I know that I have all of that because of the choice I make every day to not drink and nothing, NOTHING will ever make me change that decision.

My life since becoming sober is everything I ever dreamed of and more, I have my happily ever after and whilst I am still a work in progress I know that every day I make that decision I will remain on my right path.