Blended Family Life

I’ve had a weird way of coming to family life as a grownup – I tend to think of it up and down, and oddly they happened at the same time.

I became a stepdaughter at the same time I became a step mum and that’s enabled me to have a good perspective. Most of the time.

So what that meant was my dad remarried at the same time my boyfriend’s son moved in with us. Like in the same year right. Two huge changes to my previously quiet, (and drunk) existence within the same 12 months, you will begin to see a pattern of change emerge during my life as you read these blogs!

I didn’t want to get a stepmum, I still don’t call her that, I call her Dad’s wife. It wasn’t so much indifference I just did not need a mother figure, I was well into my 20s and I had had the best mother figure any girl could have wished for, my mum, who had also been my best friend.

My step son on the other hand was a choice I did make, he was having a tricky time in school and needed a break, his mum had a new baby and the family needed time to adjust. He had missed out on years with his Dad whilst his Dad was away working and it was a great opportunity for us to cement ourselves together as a family. Ha, I remember thinking that too, I remember thinking it couldn’t be that hard – what a fool.

You might know from my other blogs but I had been praying and yearning for some consistency in my life, everything was so chaotic and frenzied – colleagues said my life was like a tv soap, and that I seemed to thrive on it, I didn’t realise I was creating the drama. Nor did I realise that God answers our prayers in the most unimaginable ways as the consistency I was craving came in the form of becoming a mother to the most incredible little boy.

There is an excellent book called Career Girls Guide to Being a Step Mom, I got it a bit too late but if you are becoming a step parent, and you take that role seriously it’s worth a read. Here, for what it’s worth are my thoughts on being in a blended family.

Focus on Love – so thinking about this upwards right. My Dad has been miserable without Mum, and I mean truly miserable and lost. He was so sad. All the time. He tried to get on okay but he couldn’t, Mum had been by his side for 40+ years, he said it was like losing an arm. Then he found someone else to take care of him, to make him feel loved and special. And yes I could and often DID focus on how that impacted me, how odd it was to see Dad kissing another woman; to book time with my Dad, to no longer be his first priority. Those were hard emotions to process. Seeing my Dad though, seeing how he turned from a small sad lonely old man into my Dad again allowed me to let go. She wasn’t Mum, she wasn’t trying to be, she just wanted a chance to love a man, she had suffered a loss as well. Who was I to try and ruin that for them – I have often wondered if I had still been single if my perspective would have been different. It’s easy to focus on what you don’t have, and what’s negative and on the harmful emotions but if you consciously focus on the love you see often there is a happier outcome. At the same time this was happening I was falling in love with my own prince, and he came with a small and needy package. All I wanted was a chance to love his Dad and see if we could be a family, seeing my Dad’s wife through the lens of the desires and hopes I had really helped me focus on the good in the situation and not the sad, bad, or sometimes downright weird!

Family values are important– each family has its own set of values and principles, my family likes travel, my husbands less so, my family focussed on eating together, his less so. When my step son came to live with me it was very hard to balance what happened at his mum’s, and what happened in our home so that he didn’t become confused and also so he had the best chance to feel at home in both. This was less important with my Dad because I was already grown so how their family operates and how that was different to my family home growing up was still sometimes difficult to process but because we were never going to live under the same roof it wasn’t as critical. Living with my step son, (spare son as we like to call each other) we quickly came to realise that whilst the specifics might vary – actually quite often most of the values that underpin the two families are the same. Not all, and that’s important in my next point. It was important in both homes that he was able to ask questions, learn, but also to listen and be respectful of people around him. It was important in both families that nutrition and good manners were taught and that he knew he could not live on cake and pasta, (much to all our sadness). It was critical to both families that an open mind be something cherished and developed in our children – the ability to learn, and listen, through love and without judgement. It was important to both that once rules and boundaries were set – even if they varied between homes – that they were respected. It was also important that we maintained full transparency between homes, now this is something a lot of people comment on with us because it might seem unusual, but it has worked for us. If we are making a significant decision, we will discuss it as a family, together, all of us. Clearly me and my husband will have discussed things beforehand and have formed a united view, (even if that involves a compromise) but we will share the big stuff in life – especially when it relates to our shared child. My husbands ex-wife is one of my closest friends, through choice. If I’m having a rough time, or want to chat, I will call her – if I’m not sure which shoes to pick I will ask her opinion, if I want to moan about the stinky boy we both share (son, not husband) then I do so, we talk tactics and life. Don’t get me wrong we don’t trade wife stories that often because that’s a bit weird but we share our lives to the extent we feel comfortable to do so and know beyond anything we would support each other through anything. Sadly we do not see this in many blended families.

This has taught him that we are one family, and that he cannot play us off against each other, that he will not receive special or different treatment; we don’t have secrets but that also doesn’t mean we need to share everything. It’s a balance, and honestly, not one we have always got spot on, it’s taken time and we’ve made mistakes along the way and what I have learnt from those is that the only people who really suffer are the little people – and in that case we, as the adults fail them.

Family values can be different- Our homes feel different, they smell different, we talk about different things, they operate in different ways. Our home life is very structured and organised, my stepson describes us as an “all American family that do everything together”. I’m not really sure what he means but he’s not wrong, we cherish our time together and we spend most of our leisure time as a family unit. We don’t have pets, we eat out a fair bit and we have money for holidays. His other family is not the same, my Dad’s new family are not the same. They find different things funny; they think different things about current affairs, they vote in different ways, or not at all. Their friends are different than ours, I go to Church, they don’t, they all drink, we don’t. The differences between us are vast and what makes that so incredible is that we can respect, love and at times challenge each other to be the very best and most authentic versions of ourselves. If it had not been for my If it had not been for step-son I would likely not be sober, vegetarian or as bothered about the fate of the planet as I am, his mother taught me about spanakopita, so many child rearing tips and gave me confidence when I was learning to drive. My step-mum has helped me be successful with weight loss, taught me how to use a slow cooker and shared her precious pearls for my wedding day.

Mixing families is never easy, and there are lots of examples of where things do not go well and by far we do not have all the answers. The children across all families are growing up in a blended, lumpy fashion with steps, halves, cousins and all sorts and honestly that is okay. As long as you feel you are doing your best for the children and giving yourselves the best chance to be happy as a family then that is good enough.

So to recap:

1. Love First - Apply it as a filter to your thoughts, conversations, interactions, telephone calls. Everything.

2. Values Next – think about what is the glue that holds your families together and find the common ground. Use that to help the children

3. Differences Last – accept what is different about each other and do not try to change it instead enjoy those variances and in exploring them find your grounding as an adult yourself, use those variances to find and own your space in the world and the families.