Flip Family

Our family is a bit different; I wish it wasn’t but sadly even in 2020 it still is. I go to work, full time, a job with a fair amount of pressure, hours and expectations. My husband stays at home, he is studying for a degree, works part time AND is raising our son. We didn’t even think about what this would mean when we were pregnant; my husband didn’t earn as much as me, and could pick up and put down his work, that was about as far as the conversation went. I went back to work after 8 months and he dropped his hours to care for our son.

We haven’t found it difficult to manage this, but we have been surprised at some of the reactions from friends and families, the unconscious bias which appears. My uncle asking my husband why there wasn’t any pressure for him to earn, the endless health care professionals asking “where’s mum today” when my husband takes our son to routine appointments.

A typical pre-lock down week for us would involve me leaving the house at 5.45am to go to the gym on the way to work; breakfast and lunch packed. The boys wake after I have left, breakfast get dressed and head to nursery 2 days a week when my husband studies. On the other days they might walk into town, the park, take a day trip or just stay at home and veg on the sofa. My husband will do the lion’s share of housework; washing, cleaning, hoovering and the family finances, I will do the lion shares of food related stuff because I love food! I will get home around 6pm, we eat together, (I’m a nut job for this!) and we take it in turns to put our son to bed. After bedtime my husband will go to the gym for his exercise, I will prep breakfast lunch and if I have any energy left I will watch useless box sets. The areas we struggle are the same as any family; time for ourselves and time for our marriage. We do make these a priority – once a month we take a day each to do as we please, and we try to do a date night, date day or something together just the 2 of us as often as we can. Of course with lock down upon us that’s all up in the air.

When I’m driving to work and my son is sad or ill yes I do feel horrendous. When my husband walks into yet another parent and baby club to be the only man, yes he also feels pretty bad. But parents all over are experiencing that, and yet there are some distinct differences to being in a flip family. Some of which we didn’t anticipate. Our son refers to me as “busy” mum, like somehow Dad isn’t just as busy rushing around after him as I am heading out the house with about 5 bags every day. There are times when work has to come first, and that’s hard, when I have to say to my husband I cannot help or I cannot go to the school play/fair/bake sale because work is important. But he understands, without my work our life wouldn’t be possible and what was most important to us when having our son was that one of us would be his main care giver.

We put together some thoughts if you are considering this family model, or just wanted to know more about what being a flip family means.

1. We are a team, a partnership and we do what’s best and what’s necessary to give our children the best. If we needed to flip, we would flip again, our roles are fluid and always will be. In fact, writing this as part of lock down, my husband has an end of year so I am taking a week’s leave to provide full time childcare so he can revise. It’s not always easy and there are times when competing priorities arise; be open and realise that it’s not always possible to be fair but you can aim for balance.

2. There is no dispute that carrying a baby, child birth and breast feeding are unique to mums.

3. If we want more families to be able to try this we need to fight for pay equality, it will not happen until this happens.

4. Just because mum is full time worker doesn’t mean she is not also an amazing mum. Same to be said for those full time dads out there as well.

5. Dads bring a different skill set to parenting, but elements of those can be the same as those a mum brings. It’s not all about the risky play with dads; they can be nurturing, caring and just as soft and feminine as mums. In our family our son runs to Dad when he’s hurt and that’s not just because he is a stay at home dad – our partnership works because we play to our strengths.

6. Being a stay at home dad does not in any way diminish your masculinity.

We wouldn’t change our set up, watching my husband be so involved in the raising of our son is a complete joy and my husband gets so much out of the time he has with him everyone is happy and thriving. I often feel I am missing out, as I’m sure lots of Dads do, but I know I am giving them the best I can – the chance to be together, and a job which supports us all and allows me to feel fulfilled and valued which in turn makes me a better mum!