Spades and ladders

I’ve been in a pit. I’ve been there before, and I don’t doubt I’ll go there again. You know the place where all you want to do is stay in bed, ditch the diet, avoid exercise, binge on boxsets and generally feel like all efforts are virtually pointless because nothing changes, no-one cares and it’s all awful. You know the spot right?

I take different routes each time; sometimes I race down to the bottom, like I’m on a water slide and nothing can stop me; sometimes I take my time and step down, almost carefully making sure I still arrive at the bottom in one piece. Very very occasionally I wake up in the bottom of the pit with no idea how I got there at all.

This time was a slow sort of stroll, I think I knew I was on the way down and probably could have stopped myself but just didn’t. It’s weird right now you know, lockdown or not. Half usual work, half new work. Missing friends, loving the time with my family. Get used to everything and then change again.

Strolling through life as I was and then some things happen, some people said some stuff, I read an article and I spent some time on my own and had some thoughts. Some old thoughts happened, and I began to wonder if I can trust myself. Can I make good decisions? I began to question how I could be both someone who has done a whole bunch of truly shameful things and a mother, a friend, a valued colleague. How can I be all those things? And more significantly how on earth can I learn to love all those parts of me?

If I can be one now, then I can also be the other another time. How could I ever know that I wouldn’t go back? How could I ever trust myself to make big decisions about life, love, work, you name it – without that seed of doubt in my mind about decisions that had led me to a place where I felt no love for myself. The truth is that for me the hardest part of recovery has always been learning to love and forgive myself. I am great at forging others and understanding we all make mistakes in life but I have never easily been able to treat myself with the same nurture, care and love.

Anyway, so I’m in the pit. And then a new thing happened – being 7 years in too a sobriety journey I’d always wondered when the scales would tip. I’m not sure if anyone else does that but I have like an imaginary list of things – well like a weighing scales really in my mind, all the mistakes and drunk behaviour are on one side (my right side, wonder what that means) and the good stuff, the healthy confidence boosting stuff on the other side. It’s been out of balance for years, YEARS I tell you. And I always wondered if it was just down to a passage of time and my mind would adjust and the scales would eventually balance out and then begin to tip the other way. When would my mind remember some of the good stuff I’d done and not just the mistakes and well trodden paths of regret? And this time it did. I had recent and relevant experience to draw on where I had made hard decisions but that they had worked out for the best. I had chosen the right man to marry, the right town to live in, the right job to invest myself into, which friendships to cultivate and which to leave wild, I am a good parent.

I’m in the pit thinking how am I here again, knowing I won’t stay here and for once using all the tools and tricks I’ve learnt over the years to pull myself back up. Usually these spells might last months, this was weeks, almost days before I could feel myself looking out of the pit and not considering burrowing further down.

It dawned on me that there were a few things different this time, and through some excellent mentoring and coaching, we were able to figure out the magic formula. Now this won’t always work but I’m going to hold on to this formula for now and I want to share it with you all.

As a very wise person told me, when you are in the pit you have two choices – spade or ladder. I realised that I could apply this not only to my own behaviour but that of those around me as well.

Spade Brigades look like this – great fun, always a laugh, happy to sit and gossip or moan, but you don’t fix anything with a spade – you may actually just make the situation wider or deeper. But you know spades are important because they help widen your view so you realise it’s not just you. They break the isolation and whilst they might not fix it or get you out of the pit having them with you is sometimes enough to shorten the length of your stay. Much of my drinking behaviour arose as a result of deep isolation, and that feeling of being alone is a real trigger for me so knowing I can share AND having the people with whom to share in my life is a huge step in a positive direction.

Ladder Clan – these might only be a few and far between in your life but they are special. These will either help give you the tools to get out or remind you that you had them already within you. They want you to do better, to do your best, and they know that you don’t belong in the pit. You might find yourself building the ladder from the bottom and meeting them halfway up. During lockdown my ladder clan is stronger than I could ever have dreamt of and I have formed some very special bonds, the likes of which have been absent in my life for a long time. I am blessed to have strong, independent and amazing people who help me become all I can and who are there when I need them.

Jeering Jerks – you know what I used to spend ages thinking about this lot. They might be family, people close to you, colleagues, superiors, they could be anyone, but the truth is do not waste a single moment on them. They have always been the jeering jerks their faces will change in your lifetime and their roles in your life will change but the truth is they are adding nothing to your life. If you are able to tune them out, if not then turn them down as low as you can whilst you dial up everything else.

I’m out of the pit now and it wasn’t a long visit but actually this time it was a reflective and almost positive experience. It certainly is not always like that by any stretch of the imagination; only 9 months ago I was on the floor of the nursery telling my husband I was reaching for the wine. I didn’t, and I won’t ever, I know that and that strength and courage now coupled with my Spade Brigade and my Ladder Clan are giving me a new found confidence in the world. I am truly blessed.